


Heartbeat

by Mufffy



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Crying, Heartbeats, Hugs, M/M, Non-Consensual Hugging, Panic Attacks, Pax - Freeform, Screaming, idfk, if i find other tags i'll tag them but.. whatever for now-, pax east ?, whichever one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 09:33:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13499272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mufffy/pseuds/Mufffy
Summary: He tried one last time before the person pulled his head to their chest. Ethan put his hand on their chest and pushed up, unable to sit up. He felt slightly trapped but... Different.Thump.He couldn’t hear ringing or screams.Thump.Not the million people in front of the stage, screaming.Thump.He heard a heartbeat. His ear pressed flush against their chest. The heartbeat was steady. Calm. It was easy. Put Ethan at ease.





	Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> INeedToStopWritingAndTakeABreakHhhh
> 
> \- cue take a break ––  
> my head hurts and who drinks coffee at 4am? me ahahahalweuksdjfrefeedjgier

It was supposed to be a good night. Mark, Wade, Ethan, Tyler, and Bob. Not even including Amy and Kathryn who came. The whole gang. Pax East. It’ll be fun. Ethan just had to remind himself of that. Don’t let his nerves get to him. He could do this tonight. So why is here now?

 

His heart suddenly began racing. Swallowing and carried through for a few minutes, watching blindly as Mark talked before laughing. Everyone laughed. Should he laugh? No, everyone stopped. He was too late. Wow, he missed his chance to laugh while staring off and trying to think about his breathing. What a loser. He nervously chuckled to himself, avoiding the mic in front of him at all costs.

 

He had to stay calm. Don’t let everyone know. He was panicking. If he didn’t show. They wouldn’t know. Mark might... No, okay, So he had to fake it a little. Fake it till you make it. Motivational phrases were not helping him right now. Although they were clever and made him laugh sometimes, now wasn’t the correct time to think of them. They weren’t helping. What was helping was Mark’s laugh.

 

The little giddy chuckle, cracking and the way his eyes squinted. God, he loved him. That was something to help, that he and Mark were dating. It was official. Mark was his. Mark wanted him. It just felt so right. But so wrong. Mark hadn’t told anyone yet. He understood that. He understood that everyone would ‘ship’ them so much or others would hate and others would unsubscribe or more subscribe and Mark would lose followers and Ethan would gain and he didn’t even care about his own channel. Mark would start losing money and that’s bad enough, not to mention the hate and homophobic people. Maybe it was best to lay low.

 

“Ethan?” Tyler put his hand on his shoulder. Ethan flinched heavily with a high pitched shriek before looking at Tyler. He leaned back a bit, watching Ethan.

 

Mark looked from where he was standing, frowning. He was disappointed. “You okay? You were... zoning out” Mark covered his mic to talk softer to Ethan. He appreciated it greatly. The soft buzz of Mark’s voice in his ears could set him to sleep right here.

 

“It’s all good” He brushed it off with a giggle and finger guns before snorting “What’d you need?” He smiled, leaning back ever so slightly in his chair to stretch his legs. One knee popped, letting out a soft ‘ow’ he looked back up at Mark smiling. He heard people laughing and felt slightly sick to his stomach. They were laughing at him. Of course they were.

 

“Uh-” Mark paused and stared at Ethan. All Ethan could do was wonder what Mark was thinking. “Tyler, take over for a second” he whispered before he handed the mic to Tyler, walking behind Ethan to pull on his arm “C’mon, come here” he mumbled, watching Ethan’s worried face grow with every face on him.

 

Ethan reluctantly stood up, letting his feet fumble a little as Mark practically dragged him off stage. Ethan felt the stares of at least a million people on the back of his head. It made his skin crawl. Made him want to crawl out of it. He found his knees giving in and wobbling, nearly tripping before Mark got him backstage, already noticing Ethan’s uneven breathing patterns and the way his knees bent to keep steady.

 

“Ethan- Ethan ta-” the rest was blurred and hard to understand to Ethan. He shook his head trying to clear it, only making himself dizzier. His chest hurt. Why? He was fine. He took in a sharp breath, his ribs feeling as if they’d been flattened. He tried taking another breath, unable to suck in air. He felt suffocated. Everything was too close. Too thick. The air was too close, the hands firmly gripping his forearms were too close. He felt sick.

 

He tried taking in another breathe, half succeeding only to get excited and suck in a sharp breath, hurting himself more. He took in small breathes, taking what he could get in. He closed his eyes, feeling light-headed. Great. Now he felt trapped and a sick. His legs were giving out, it was only a matter of time until he would fall. He couldn’t focus on his legs once they gave out and the grip on his forearms tightened a little. He fell to his knees, taking in short, sharp breaths that made him choke up and wheeze.

 

He could feel his face growing red. He didn’t know if it was the embarrassment or the lack of breathing. He took in a huge gulp of air, hoping the heat would go away. It didn't. But at least he got some air in, it wasn’t as big as he hoped but it was more than what’d he’d been getting.

 

His eyes burned from staying open and wide so long, finally able to relax and close, the tears trickling down his cheeks rapidly. He tried gasping for breath, tried to scream even, talk, whisper, nothing able to come out. His silent scream, caught in his throat as he tried again, barely able to make a strangled sobbing sound.

 

He tried breathing again, feeling the bile rise in his stomach, forcing it to stay down. He covered his mouth, holding his stomach with the other. A ringing in his ear started softly. He couldn’t hear anything and it felt too loud. He could hear nothing and everything. Everyone’s concerned mumbles and shouts. Children’s screams and the presence of everyone. Oh. There were tons... And millions of people... In this room. Ethan took a tiny breathe again trying not to choke on his sound of distress. He made Mark run out on millions of people just because he was zoning out. Ethan swallowed roughly, covering his ears. Clenching his fists, tangling some of it in his hair.

 

Ethan tried gasping for breath a final time before he gave up. He felt drowned. Underwater and chained to the bottom. Drowning in a hopeless mess of doubt and fear of failure. Rejection. Hatred. He let everyone down, more importantly, he made Mark let everyone down, leaving everyone hanging. It was all his fault. All his fault. He sobbed as the ringing in his ears got louder in his ears, making his head throb with every beat of his heart.

 

The hands that were gripping him had slowly disappeared. He was no longer being held. His arms grew cold. He felt so alone. Mark had left him. Mark’s hands on his arms weren’t a feeling anymore. Mark’s presence next to him had gone away. Who was he to judge? Who would willingly stay with him while he was falling apart?

 

He flinched, feeling his body move. He wasn’t moving though. He trembled in who’s ever arms were holding him. He shook his head when he realized he was being pulled in for a hug. No. No. No. He didn’t like that. It was too close. There wasn’t enough air. There wasn’t enough to begin with. Ethan gulped up the air he could before coughing. He was too close. He was sitting in someone’s lap, trembling. He felt weak. Pathetic and useless. He couldn’t stand it.

 

He went to move out of their arms, slowly and shakily only to be pulled back against their chest. No. No- A noise caught in his throat as he tried gulping in air. The ringing was getting louder and unbearable. Ethan squirmed and fought, pushing hands away and tried to get up, only to be stopping again, this time his hands unable to cover his ears. No. He needed to cover his ears. He could hear the screaming and protesting and the ringing. It was like an alarm never able to be silent. He moved his hands up, trying as hard as he could to cover his ears, only to be held back. He tried one last time before the person pulled his head to their chest. Ethan put his hand on their chest and pushed up, unable to sit up. He felt slightly trapped but... Different.

 

 _Thump_.

 

He couldn’t hear ringing or screams.

 

 _Thump_.

 

Not the million people in front of the stage, screaming.

 

 _Thump_.

 

He heard a heartbeat. His ear pressed flush against their chest. The heartbeat was steady. Calm. It was easy. Put Ethan at ease. He took a breath with every time the chest moved up. Breathe in. It went down, breathe out. The chest was warm. Comforting. Ethan breathed in again. Waiting to breathe out. His mouth hung open with every breathe he took. With every breath the person took. He lowered his hand to his own chest to feel it still rapidly beating, voice catching his throat. Whoever it was raised a hand to Ethan’s hair, carding his fingers through his hair. Ethan froze up before melting into the touch, letting his hand fall into his lap.

 

A few seconds passed with Ethan in their cross-legged lap, knees hanging over their leg. He closed his eyes at some point, head tucked between their arm and collarbone. They felt well built and warm. Ethan breathed in a big breathe of air, letting it out shakily, finally able to breathe. Ethan sighed, bringing his arms up to hug his knees. He swallowed, opening his eyes slightly to see the person’s neck and chest. His arms thrown around his legs loosely and feet crossed over the other.

 

He hesitated to look up, his voice nearly getting caught in his throat when he saw Mark. Holding Ethan close and rocking him silently. Mark had his eyes closed and was humming. One hand in front of Ethan around his waist and the one behind him on the side of his head, holding him still. Holding and caressing his cheek. He was rough in the beginning, forcing Ethan to be calm but Ethan now understood why. He hadn’t felt trapped. He felt too free. Too far gone into that big spiral of doubt that he wanted a hug. To be held and appreciated...

 

Ethan blinked, letting a tear fall from his eye, across Mark’s finger as it moved over his cheek. For a second he could’ve sworn he felt Mark’s heart skip a beat. Mark took a giant deep breathe, Ethan, copying him. Letting it out together.


End file.
